Pagninilay

From ppimi.org

From ppimi.org

Para sa mata ng iba, wala akong alam sa mga bagay-bagay. Dahil kahit anong aral ang gawin ko, kahit ilang educational level pa ang marating ko, inutil ako. Bobo. Tanga. Walang kwenta. Di naman nila ako kilala eh. Kahit kailan di nila ako sinubukang kilalanin ng malaliman. Ang alam lang nila, kung paano nila ako naimagine, ganun ako. Tulad nang di kaya ang mga bagay. Gastador. Masungit. Mataray. Hindi malinis sa bahay.
Pero sana… Kahit konti…. Nag labas man sana sila ng effort na makilala ako.
Para sa kanila, kaya wala akong kaibigan nung bata ako, dahil mataray o masungit ako. Kasalanan ko. Di daw ako marunong ngumiti. Di daw ako marunong makipaglaro.
Pero ikaw, makikipaglaro ka ba sa mga batang ang gustong makita ay ang umiyak ka? Pikon daw ako. Dapat daw, marunong akong sumabay na lang sa pambubuska ng ibang bata. Pero ikaw, hindi ka ba mapipikon kung kahit pinilit mo nang hindi mapikon ay di sila nakuntento at may kasama pang sabunot, tulak, o pitik ang mga pang-aasar sa iyo? Oo, tanggap ko na hindi ako maganda sa mata ng karamihan. Alam ko na di katanggap tanggap sa standards ng iba ang kulay ko, ang itsura ko, ang buong panlabas kong anyo. Isa pa, kung may nagawa akong mali, iuungkat ng ilan ang nangyari at ibabalik ako sa nakaraan. Di na ako nakagalaw. Nahihiya ako sa lahat kahit gaano pa ang effort na inilabas ko para lamang mabago iyon.
Habang isinusulat ko ito, nasasaktan ako. Kasi, pag nabasa nyo, iniisip ko na ang tingin nyo na sa akin ay mas malala pa sa tingin nyo noon. Na ang luha na ipinapatak ko tuwing mag-isa ako at nilalabanan ang depresyon ay isa lamang drama. Na madamot ako kasi ninanais ko lang ang atensyon ng lahat. Nasasaktan ako kasi, sa isip ko, kahit ilang beses ko pang itry na iconvince kayo na mabuti akong tao, balewala. Ok lang ba na ipakilala ko ang sarili ko sa inyo?
Mahilig akong magbasa. Kahit ano. Kahit medical matters, political, social, history… Lahat pwera ang math. May alam ako. At madami akong bagay na natutunan nang di ko natutunan sa eskwelahan. Gastador ako. Maaari. Pero naniniwala ako sa rewarding yourself from time to time. Di naman ako buminili ng mga bagay na di ko kailangan sa buhay. Masungit? Kung pagod, inaantok, o di kaya ay binubully. Pero hanggat maaari, hindi po ako nagsusungit o nagtataray sa mga taong may ngiting handog. Hindi ko man po kayo inaapproach, di po ibig sabihin na mataray po ako. Nahihiya lang po kasi ako. May hiya rin naman po kasi ako kahit kaunti. Tinatry ko pong kayanin ang mga bagay-bagay sa buhay. Wala po akong masyadong kaibigan noong bata ako, kasi iyakin ako. Dahil nasasaktan po ako. Maliit po kasi ako. Pwede nila akong itulak kahit kailan at di ako makalalaban. Kakaunti lang naman po ang naging mabait sa akin. Pero di ko maintindihan ang utak ko kung bakit kailangan ko pa ring lumapit at piliting isali ang sarili ko sa mga taong ayaw sa akin. Creative ako. Pero umpisa pa lang sinasabi na ng marami na hindi naman ako creative. Kasi di ko naman napag aralan iyon.
Di ko po alam kung ano talaga ang estado ng pag iisip ko. Pero may nakakapagsabi na may depresyon ako. Ilang ulit ko na naisip na kitlin ang sarili kong buhay. Ilang beses na rin akong nawawalan ng gana. Pero maaring sobrang tatag ko at nandito pa rin ako. Sa tuwing naiisip ko ang pagtapos ng buhay ko, naghahanap ako ng paraan para mailigaw iyon. Kaya natuto akong magcrochet, knit, magbake… Sinasabayan ko ng dasal. At habang nagdadasal ako, naiisip ko ang mga magagandang bagay na pwede pang mangyari sa buhay ko. Pero, hindi nagtatapos iyon sa ganun. Sa isang buwan, umaatake ang depresyon ko ng ilang ulit. Siguro umaabot minsan ng 7 times.
Pasensya na, ginamit ko ang oras mo sa walang katorya toryang bagay. Gusto ko lang naman ng may mapagsabihan ng bagay na ito.

Ang nais ko lang naman ay maintindihan mo, na ang bawat ngiti ko maaaring may itinatago akong lungkot na ayoko ninyong makita o kaya ay masaya lang talaga ako. Na kung nakasimangot ako ay di dahil sa inyo. Dahil umaabot na ako sa rurok na napapagod na ako sa pakikipaglaban sa sarili ko. Na kung malungkot ako, kailangan ko lang ang pang unawa nyo. Di lahat ng panahon ay kaya kong iadjust ang sarili ko sa panuntunan nyo. Tao din po ako. Nasasaktan. At nagkakamali. Pero hanggat maaari, kakayanin ko ang lahat ng ihaharap ninyong pagsubok para masiyahan kayo at tanggapin ninyo ako.

Thoughts and blankness

My mind wanders off again.

I’m easily distracted these days and can’t focus well. My body is tired but my brain wants to keep going.

I question myself a lot lately. I guess, I should try to relax once again.

Checking BP….. 120/80. So far so good. I’m fine. Just sleepy. My princess is now sleeping while listening to her favourite lullaby.🙂

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My sleeping princess

This entry was posted on April 8, 2015, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Working Mom

Starting Monday (Nov. 25), I will be back to work.

To be honest, I’m having two opposite feelings about it.

First: Reluctant
I’m pretty sure that most working moms felt the same way. I am reluctant to leave my baby for almost 14 hours at home with our househelp every weekday. Not that I don’t trust our househelp, I actually trust our househelp. I just want to be with my baby all day like I always do during my maternity leave. It would be somewhat a big adjustment for me because I have spent almost every minute with my daughter.

Second: Excited
Really. I am excited to go back at work. I somewhat promised to work at home before I took a leave. But I guess, seeing my daughter’s face and take pictures with her and posting it on facebook while being at home is better than staring at a still pending document on the laptop screen. I am excited to do office work again. I am excited to wear the clothes that I wear before I got pregnant and wear high heeled shoes (proof of such can be justified by how much shoes I have now.)

Now, I am thinking of what to do with my daughter before going to work and when to call home just to check up on her and what to bring her when going home.

I know that eventually I can adjust to all these things that happened and will be happening to me. I guess the realization that I am already a mom will finally sink in pretty soon.

Anyway, I still get about 10 hours with my daughter every workday and two whole days every weekend or whole day every holiday.

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My sweet sleepy girl

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Good night kiss from a sweety

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First

A month ago, at exactly the time I posted this, I was already in the room after the…. I am not sure how long the operation was but based on my memory, I read on the whiteboard in the operating room, the operation started at about 7:30PM, baby was out by 7:50PM, and ended at about 9:30 to 10:00PM. So approximately 2.5 to 3 hours of operation. I was already able to move my legs a little and talk to anyone in slurred manner. And mind you, I can’t stop talking after my caesarian operation. And was already lookinv for my COB (office mobile phone) to check my baby’s first pictures. And also to check facebook.🙂

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Baby Boon's nursery tag

It’s Fleur Miriam’s first month. We celebrated her first month, of course. And my project: Twaalf Bloemen voor Fleur Miriam started. Time passes by so quickly. She has gained weight, got longer, and got stronger. Still adorable. Still pretty. Still cute.


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Before and after. Range: 1 month

Happy first month, baby Fleur.🙂


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Fleur's first month photo for Twaalf Bloemen voor Fleur project

This entry was posted on October 7, 2013, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Crafty

I can’t sleep. It’s almost 2300h but I still can’t sleep.

Must be because of my new projects: Fleur’s dress and Mary Janes.🙂

I love creating things. Now that I have a baby, I feel that I can do so many things. Especially clothes. She would be wearing most of my designs. She’s my supermodel.

Projects I have in mind:
Crocheted dress
Crocheted Baby Mary Janes
Crocheted Mary Janes for mommy
Christmas Clothes for mommy, daddy, and baby
Baby stylish cape
Headdresses for mommy and baby

Right now, I’m starting the crocheted dress for my baby.🙂

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Crocheted headband with 3D flower

This entry was posted on September 26, 2013, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment

Life changing

I already gave birth. My sweet angel is now beside me sleeping and her dad at my left side. She’s so adorable. She really is worth everything I have endured for 9 months. Her cuteness also makes me forget that I almost died during her birth. She’s such an angel and as strong as me. She looks like her daddy. She’s the best gift for me and my hubby.

Now I can say that being a parent is definitely life changing but it is up to a person how he or she will handle it or welcome it. No one is really that prepared for the changes that will happen in your life.

I love my family.🙂

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My sweet Fleur Miriam

Few weeks to go

Few weeks to go until my first time to give birth to a sweet angel.

I am on my 35th week and some pregnancy symptoms are returning: such as headaches and the need to pee always.

I am happy that I was able to endure the aches and pains of pregnancy. Just looking forward to the pains of labor and the sweet feeling of being able to hold my sweet baby in my arms.

Currently, my feet can barely fit in some of my shoes. But I don’t mind the blisters. I am just so excited to see and hold and kiss and do what mums do to her baby and also to dress up my little girl.🙂

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Sitting alone in front of Pancake House waiting for hubby.

I am currently waiting for my hubby to arrive. We’re going to have our dinner date near my work.

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dela Rosa street near PLDT building

This entry was posted on August 28, 2013, in Uncategorized. Leave a comment